New Beginnings​.

For the past year and a half, i was with a man, a man who i thought would be the one that would watch me walk down the aisle.

Life was great, we were moving forward together and lived together since January 2016. I found life a struggle sometimes, but he was there, holding my hand through all of it, making sure that I could get through life, and the worst part is that we were once madly in love.

My mental health started to really take a hold of me around November 17, my medication was making me feel worse than better (as it’s supposed to). Uni work became too stressful, and i started to doubt life altogether.

In my eyes the relationship was perfect, everything was going well. I just thought it was a norm and he would understand that too. I started to lose interest in everything, including him. I didn’t stop loving him, i just felt shit. He worked a lot, i basically never saw him so i just got used to him not being there. Even when he was there it felt like he wasn’t.

Last week, i told him about how i felt, my doubts, my depression. And he cried, he seemed to understand and he said that he didn’t want to lose me.

A few days later he came home from work, he then went on to tell me that he didn’t want this anymore, he didn’t want us. I could accept that, i could accept the fact that he didn’t want me, but i just didn’t understand how he could go from loving me, and not wanting to lose me to nothing…

I went back to my parents for a few days, to give him some space as he continued to say that he didn’t know what he wanted, he just needed space.

Sunday night, i waited up, waited for him to come online but he never did. We facetimed the next day only for him to say that his mind was made up, he didn’t want me.

When i came to collect my things the next day to move out, something felt wrong. I had my doubts, i never felt good enough for him. I proceeded to go onto his Ipad. I found messages, which included a picture of a necklace with the caption saying “you left your necklace here”. My heart dropped, i knew, i knew that he had someone in my bed, in my home with all of my stuff there.

I rang him, screaming, shouting, how dare he. How could he have moved on so fast. I then realised when he facetimed me, it was as soon as she left. He was laying in our bed, just after another woman had left it. I felt sick, hurt and lost.

Things couldn’t get worse surely? Then i found out that she lives in the same building that i was going to move into. My life just went from -0 to -100.

I’m trying to move on, trying to be strong, but how can i be when i love him. The man that took my home from me, the man that had another woman in our home when our stuff was there, the man that i thought i would marry.

How am i meant to continue…

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Taking time off

Hey everyone,

My blog has been super sparse recently and that’s just due to needing some time to reflect on things. All in all, i don’t think i realised how many great things have happened in 2017.

I took some time over the christmas period to just chill, spend time with family, and to relax. I had been getting super stressed prior to christmas… i had tons of uni assignments which were literally making my hair fall out. I needed time to just stop and be myself for a little while.

I feel guilty not for writing because writing helps, it really does. But i know everyone understands!

Now i’ve got everything pretty much sorted out, the house, myself… i feel as if it’s time to get back onto the blog and start writing again! It makes me so happy knowing that someone may read this, it really brightens my mood and day!

I have lots of exciting things coming up which that i want to include into this blog. I wanted this blog to be just about my past, but now i want to include how far i’ve come, i want to strip everything back and show my readers the real me!

I’m not afraid of who i am anymore, i’ve accepted myself, and quite frankly i think i’m okay! I may not be some aspiring celebrity or somebody with loads of money, but if i can make a difference to one persons life then i feel as if i have succeeded!

I’m going to leave this here for today, i hope everybody has had an amazing christmas and has a wonderful new year!

Lets make 2018 the best year it possibly can be!

xxx

Thank you!

I’ve been having nightmares recently, and I know they hardly ever come true, but my nightmares are about past events. One event in particular… The night my disgusting ex-boyfriend held me up against the wall by my throat. I hate having to relive it through my dreams, it’s genuinely so painful.

Enough about the dark writing… and more importantly…

I feel absolutely ecstatic about the fact I have a following! Even though it’s only a small group of people, it really makes me feel incredible that people are genuinely interested!

I know my posts have been a bit sparse at the moment… I’ve just been so busy with uni work and life in general! I cannot believe how its November already though, it’s actually crazy how fast time has gone! But now November is here it’s nearly Christmas, and I’m SO EXCITED!!!!

I’ve started my Christmas shopping so late this year, last year I was finished in October! How bloody crazy! But this my first Christmas living in my OWN home! No more Christmas at my parents… this year i’m hosting Christmas day! It’s so crazy how you grow up so quick, but also very exciting at the same time.

Yeah so this post is a bit all over the place, and i’m sorry for that! I’m going to start getting back to posting daily once i have my assignments all finished!

See you on the next post,

Anon

xxx

 

A haircut has drastically changed my mood…

I woke up this morning miserable, drowsy and unmotivated. I suppose that i wake up feeling like that most days.

After feeling super down yesterday i decided to go and do something that would (hopefully) benefit that mood of mine. I’ve been feeling super down about myself recently, and i swear i look awful every single day! I thought to myself… what can i do which may hopefully sort out my appearance. I decided to go for the chop!

My hair yesterday went down past my waist, it was long, blonde and vibrant, but at the ends… dead! I swear that my hair made my look fat and ugly, people say “no you look great” but, in my eyes that is bullcrap!

Now my hair goes just above my boobs and you know what… I feel absolutely amazing! Instantly after i saw myself with my new hair my mood flew up. I genuinely cannot believe how a little change such as a haircut can change everything!

`I feel motivated and happy, i’m ecstatic actually! I’m going to sit on the sofa with a glass of Rosé and do some planning for my assignments!

Please leave comments below if you wish, I love to talk to you all!

Anon

xxx

No posts recently…

I’ve been feeling so stressed and under pressure recently. I constantly been feeling the same old emotions over and over again: Sad, lonely, depressed…

Everything has been getting to me recently. I just had my first exam this year and let me tell you that bloody dreaded thing took the living out of me. I was so worried, stressed and moody all the time, thinking about the test made me want to run away and hide. But i’m glad to say i aced it!

My last post i was talking about my boring old routine which i spoke to my mum about. I told her that i hated the same thing day in day out, but i couldn’t see myself not doing it. Don’t get me wrong i wanna take every opportunity that comes my way, but sometimes i just like being under the security of the routine. I suppose the big wide world is just too scary for me at the moment.

I’ve been feeling so down again, and i’ve just sat and binged watched The vampire diaries. I’m not proud, but i am addicted, and i can’t help it. I know it’s not a healthy lifestyle, and i know i should try and exercise or talk to people when i feel upset. Me personally, well… i just prefer to be alone.

One thing that I’m sure of though is that i won’t let myself leave the blog alone for too long again. I know this is something that really does help me, and i enjoy getting all of these emotions out. The best thing is that my (you) my readers don’t judge me. Well even if you do judge me its not like you know who i am. Another reason i like blogging anonymously… security.

I could write forever tonight, but unfortunately i have The vampire diaries waiting for me.

Anon

xxx

Clearing my head.

My mind has been all over the place recently… I’m feeling weak, damaged and upset constantly. I’m finding it difficult to concentrate on the smallest of tasks. I decided to take a few days off of social media platforms and it’s helped. Sometimes it’s just necessary to shut the outside world off, and to start focusing on more important things.

Don’t get me wrong… I am OBSESSED with social media and the internet. I cannot keep off it, but when i feel like absolute crap i hate being behind the screen. I’m glad i took this break though because it has give me time to think about what i really want from my life.

I’ve started to question this boring routine i’m currently stuck in. I get up, go to university, come home and make dinner and then do housework. I’m 20, 20 years old! What sort of life is that? I want more out of life than being a bloody ‘house wife’ when i’m barely an adult!

So i decided to clear my head. I stripped my life down into little pieces – what is important and what is missing! It’s been an important step for me and i’m glad that i’ve started focusing on more important things.

I’ve also been feeling very lonely. I’m sick of being home by myself all the time. My other half works a ridiculous amount of hours and its killing me. To be quite honest i’m not sure whether i’m actually too happy at the moment, i’m taking each day as it comes… I just feel guilty all the time.

Sorry for the late night post, I’ll check back in properly tomorrow.

Anon

xxx

I can’t stop crying.

“Crying is weak, stop being pathetic Alice”. I don’t know how many times i heard those words. Is crying pathetic, i wouldn’t know as my antidepressants stop all tears from leaving my eyes. Maybe its a good thing… crying is ‘weak’ right?

Its a short post tonight due to the tears i am currently experiencing, but writing really does help. Getting all of those emotions out helps me to understand what i want and need to feel okay. It may sound weird to you, but we all deal in different ways i suppose.

Do you ever just sit starting into nothingness, hoping you’ll find a purpose? I do. I wonder if i was made to be this ‘stupid depressed woman’, is it my only purpose…

I don’t know where my life is going at the moment… one minute everything is great… but the next i want life to end. I hate saying it – i sound so selfish.

I feel as if life has got too much again. I usually spend most of my evenings unable to cry, but wanting to, and tonight they’re flooding out.

Down days.

There has been so many times over the past four years when i just felt ‘crap’. I’d find myself wanting life to end. The easiest things for some people suddenly came impossible for me… The worst one  (& the most rank) was definitely having no motivation to shower.   I hate saying that my life back then sucked… well it kinda did…

I do sometimes wonder if i would have spoken to someone sooner & sorted my ‘shit’ out i would be well… ‘normal’.

So, you may be reading this cause you’re having a day when you feel a little ‘poo’, or you just wanted a little read. Either way i hope this will be full of advice for you.

Writing. Writing is absolutely amazing, it helps to get the brain working and it also helps you to get all of those deep embedded emotions out. Start small, write in a diary… it doesn’t even have to be about how you feel. Write a poem, a little story.

One of the many reasons for starting this blog was to help get out those deep emotions. Many of us have them, we all have something to hide… theres no doubt about it.

But I’m finally sorting my ‘shit’ out and i can tell you now this blog is really helping! I’ve found a new love, a new passion. I was having one of those typical ‘down days’ but right now i’m writing this blog and i feel good, i feel happy!

So one tiny step- such as writing this blog, it has really changed me, changed me for the better.

So if you’re feeling down all it takes is one step, yes, it’s easier said than done but trust me it will be worth it.

Anon

xxx

 

 

22nd October.

I still wonder how everything was ‘my fault’ and how I would face consequences for anything that I done, that you didn’t like. I still can’t quite understand why you’d lie to others and make out that i was the one with the problem. I now find it amusing that you punched yourself in the face and told your friends and your mum that i did it! You even embeded it so far into my head that i nearly believed i did it myself. But I’m better than that, better than you will ever be.

I’m lying here in my bed unable to sleep due to the whirlwind of thoughts going through my head. I’m finding life weird today, i hate you so much and hate how you ruined me. But today i can’t help think of the little young girl: that 7 years ago on this date got into that toxic relationship with you.

I’m happy now though, i have a great life. I’m studying for a degree in a topic that i adore. I have the most loving partner i could ever wish for and a great support network around me. It angers me that this one date will forever be ruined in my life. I hate having to explain why i feel ‘shit’ on the 22nd of October each year, i hope i won’t always feel that way.

I’m learning to accept that this date is a part of me and always will be. I wouldn’t be that strong, motivated woman i am now without this day of haunts.

But for now I’ll just have to wait another 40 odd minutes until this day is over. I wonder if i’ll be able to live through the wait.

Anon.

xxx

Was it love?

I felt as if my whole life was completed. Meeting someone at such a young age was something I always wanted. I wanted to be that girl in year 9 with the older boyfriend! Of course it started off lovely, we was both inexperienced and didn’t really know how relationships worked. But things slowly started to turn sour, they always do.

Being young and naive are two major factors into my story. I constantly ask myself “If I was older, more experienced and knowledgeable: would I still be the same broken woman I am today?” But the problem is: who really knows? Because i certainly don’t!

At the time I didn’t really understand or recognise that this was emotional abuse. I was unaware that the behaviour that was inflicted upon me was wrong. I suppose I just got
used to the fact that I was always ‘wrong’ and it was constantly ‘my fault’.

I don’t want to reveal too much detail in the early days of this blog. Because even now 2 years on from the court case it still feels raw. I want my readers to feel the journey I’ve been through, i want people who are going through the same thing to recognise the signs. But most of all… I want to offer help to those in need.

Anon.

xxx