Youtube vid

Hey guys, please check out my new youtube video! I would love to have you on my channel!! This vlog was honestly so crazy and the best day ever!!! Thank you so much!

 

Showing my face… I’m not anon anymore!

Hi guys welcome back to my blog!

Today is the day that i finally do something i’ve wanted to do for ages! I’ve made my YOUTUBE channel! I want to use my channel to promote mental health and help others with struggles they may have! I’ve loved having the blog, but i’ve always felt as if i hated hiding who i am! And i just didn’t wanna hide anymore!!

My youtube channel is linked here Youtube

Or copy and paste this: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-pwGNEQgspxxcZTR9pB6lA?view_as=subscriber

My channel will feature loads of different types of content from fashion, beauty, real talk, university, life and mental health! MY MAIN focus will be surrounding mental health throughout life and especially during university! I’m also going to feature vlogs where you can follow my life and see what i get up to! I’m filming all week, as i’m in london and birmingham (london) at a hugo boss event!!! FUN TIMES!!!

 

I’ve only just started and have 25 subscribers but my goal is to make it to 100! If you could take 5 minutes to have a look at my videos or channel and maybe subscribe i would much appreciate it.

My next sit down video is going to be a story time about my eating disorder and weight struggles. If you are interested in carrying on with my journey over on youtube then please , please , please , please head over and subscribe! I would honestly appreciate it so much! Thank you for everything.

Alice Leonard. (NOT ANON ANYMORE!)

 

XXXXXX

I’m back again

Hi everyone,

Firstly, i just want to thank you for reading this post even though i haven’t been active in around 5 months.

Life has just been crazy and time goes so fast, i always think i have the all the time in the world and then suddenly half the year has gone.

I’m returning back to blogging and carrying on my journey with you all because recently my mental health has been consuming me. In the past few weeks, maybe even months, i’ve been struggling to cope. Of course i haven’t admitted it myself until now but I’m at breaking point. I used to love coming to this anonymous page to let out all of my feelings, and just get my mental health, my depression & anxiety out in the open… so that’s exactly what i am doing.

I’m currently on my summer break from uni, and summer should be a time where you feel relaxed and you get to spend time having fun with your family and friends right? But, for me its been hell, i’ve been working a job where in the morning i have panic attacks, i panic to the point where my body will not physically move and i just cannot walk anymore. I’m miserable there, i hate it, and its not just one of those “i hate my job situations”, its a hate where its making me ill. The thought of having to go and try and act like i’m okay is just wrong in my mind, i’m not the person who people see there, I’m a lie.

I also want to add in, that i have tried, i have pushed myself to the limit with this job, and its all for the money, but of course in this situation i’d rather be poor and happy, rather than wealthy and sad. So what have i done about this? Well last week i broke down into pieces at work, crying, stressed and panicked. I ended up expressing to my manager that i have struggled with my mental health for the past 5 years and i don’t know what to do anymore. So i was sent home. I’ve come to the conclusion that this isn’t healthy, i don’t want to be sad, i want to be myself. So, i’m calling in sick for the time being until i see the GP and get signed off work, i’m also going to hand my notice in, but i physically cannot go back now, i can’t do another shift there. The more i think about it, the more i feel the need to punish myself, & thats not right.

But i’m not going to just stop here, i’ve accepted that i need help, so it’s back to counselling for me. To save myself, i can’t give up, i can’t let this beat me.

I want to keep you all updated on this journey with me, as writing has always helped me.

Thank you for reading this, i really appreciate your time. Please feel free to leave comments if you are going through or have been through something similar, or if you just want to comment in general. I’d also love for you to share this blog/ post as i’m hoping to help other young males/ females through their mental health journeys too.

New Beginnings​.

For the past year and a half, i was with a man, a man who i thought would be the one that would watch me walk down the aisle.

Life was great, we were moving forward together and lived together since January 2016. I found life a struggle sometimes, but he was there, holding my hand through all of it, making sure that I could get through life, and the worst part is that we were once madly in love.

My mental health started to really take a hold of me around November 17, my medication was making me feel worse than better (as it’s supposed to). Uni work became too stressful, and i started to doubt life altogether.

In my eyes the relationship was perfect, everything was going well. I just thought it was a norm and he would understand that too. I started to lose interest in everything, including him. I didn’t stop loving him, i just felt shit. He worked a lot, i basically never saw him so i just got used to him not being there. Even when he was there it felt like he wasn’t.

Last week, i told him about how i felt, my doubts, my depression. And he cried, he seemed to understand and he said that he didn’t want to lose me.

A few days later he came home from work, he then went on to tell me that he didn’t want this anymore, he didn’t want us. I could accept that, i could accept the fact that he didn’t want me, but i just didn’t understand how he could go from loving me, and not wanting to lose me to nothing…

I went back to my parents for a few days, to give him some space as he continued to say that he didn’t know what he wanted, he just needed space.

Sunday night, i waited up, waited for him to come online but he never did. We facetimed the next day only for him to say that his mind was made up, he didn’t want me.

When i came to collect my things the next day to move out, something felt wrong. I had my doubts, i never felt good enough for him. I proceeded to go onto his Ipad. I found messages, which included a picture of a necklace with the caption saying “you left your necklace here”. My heart dropped, i knew, i knew that he had someone in my bed, in my home with all of my stuff there.

I rang him, screaming, shouting, how dare he. How could he have moved on so fast. I then realised when he facetimed me, it was as soon as she left. He was laying in our bed, just after another woman had left it. I felt sick, hurt and lost.

Things couldn’t get worse surely? Then i found out that she lives in the same building that i was going to move into. My life just went from -0 to -100.

I’m trying to move on, trying to be strong, but how can i be when i love him. The man that took my home from me, the man that had another woman in our home when our stuff was there, the man that i thought i would marry.

How am i meant to continue…

Taking time off

Hey everyone,

My blog has been super sparse recently and that’s just due to needing some time to reflect on things. All in all, i don’t think i realised how many great things have happened in 2017.

I took some time over the christmas period to just chill, spend time with family, and to relax. I had been getting super stressed prior to christmas… i had tons of uni assignments which were literally making my hair fall out. I needed time to just stop and be myself for a little while.

I feel guilty not for writing because writing helps, it really does. But i know everyone understands!

Now i’ve got everything pretty much sorted out, the house, myself… i feel as if it’s time to get back onto the blog and start writing again! It makes me so happy knowing that someone may read this, it really brightens my mood and day!

I have lots of exciting things coming up which that i want to include into this blog. I wanted this blog to be just about my past, but now i want to include how far i’ve come, i want to strip everything back and show my readers the real me!

I’m not afraid of who i am anymore, i’ve accepted myself, and quite frankly i think i’m okay! I may not be some aspiring celebrity or somebody with loads of money, but if i can make a difference to one persons life then i feel as if i have succeeded!

I’m going to leave this here for today, i hope everybody has had an amazing christmas and has a wonderful new year!

Lets make 2018 the best year it possibly can be!

xxx

Thank you!

I’ve been having nightmares recently, and I know they hardly ever come true, but my nightmares are about past events. One event in particular… The night my disgusting ex-boyfriend held me up against the wall by my throat. I hate having to relive it through my dreams, it’s genuinely so painful.

Enough about the dark writing… and more importantly…

I feel absolutely ecstatic about the fact I have a following! Even though it’s only a small group of people, it really makes me feel incredible that people are genuinely interested!

I know my posts have been a bit sparse at the moment… I’ve just been so busy with uni work and life in general! I cannot believe how its November already though, it’s actually crazy how fast time has gone! But now November is here it’s nearly Christmas, and I’m SO EXCITED!!!!

I’ve started my Christmas shopping so late this year, last year I was finished in October! How bloody crazy! But this my first Christmas living in my OWN home! No more Christmas at my parents… this year i’m hosting Christmas day! It’s so crazy how you grow up so quick, but also very exciting at the same time.

Yeah so this post is a bit all over the place, and i’m sorry for that! I’m going to start getting back to posting daily once i have my assignments all finished!

See you on the next post,

Anon

xxx

 

A haircut has drastically changed my mood…

I woke up this morning miserable, drowsy and unmotivated. I suppose that i wake up feeling like that most days.

After feeling super down yesterday i decided to go and do something that would (hopefully) benefit that mood of mine. I’ve been feeling super down about myself recently, and i swear i look awful every single day! I thought to myself… what can i do which may hopefully sort out my appearance. I decided to go for the chop!

My hair yesterday went down past my waist, it was long, blonde and vibrant, but at the ends… dead! I swear that my hair made my look fat and ugly, people say “no you look great” but, in my eyes that is bullcrap!

Now my hair goes just above my boobs and you know what… I feel absolutely amazing! Instantly after i saw myself with my new hair my mood flew up. I genuinely cannot believe how a little change such as a haircut can change everything!

`I feel motivated and happy, i’m ecstatic actually! I’m going to sit on the sofa with a glass of Rosé and do some planning for my assignments!

Please leave comments below if you wish, I love to talk to you all!

Anon

xxx

No posts recently…

I’ve been feeling so stressed and under pressure recently. I constantly been feeling the same old emotions over and over again: Sad, lonely, depressed…

Everything has been getting to me recently. I just had my first exam this year and let me tell you that bloody dreaded thing took the living out of me. I was so worried, stressed and moody all the time, thinking about the test made me want to run away and hide. But i’m glad to say i aced it!

My last post i was talking about my boring old routine which i spoke to my mum about. I told her that i hated the same thing day in day out, but i couldn’t see myself not doing it. Don’t get me wrong i wanna take every opportunity that comes my way, but sometimes i just like being under the security of the routine. I suppose the big wide world is just too scary for me at the moment.

I’ve been feeling so down again, and i’ve just sat and binged watched The vampire diaries. I’m not proud, but i am addicted, and i can’t help it. I know it’s not a healthy lifestyle, and i know i should try and exercise or talk to people when i feel upset. Me personally, well… i just prefer to be alone.

One thing that I’m sure of though is that i won’t let myself leave the blog alone for too long again. I know this is something that really does help me, and i enjoy getting all of these emotions out. The best thing is that my (you) my readers don’t judge me. Well even if you do judge me its not like you know who i am. Another reason i like blogging anonymously… security.

I could write forever tonight, but unfortunately i have The vampire diaries waiting for me.

Anon

xxx

Clearing my head.

My mind has been all over the place recently… I’m feeling weak, damaged and upset constantly. I’m finding it difficult to concentrate on the smallest of tasks. I decided to take a few days off of social media platforms and it’s helped. Sometimes it’s just necessary to shut the outside world off, and to start focusing on more important things.

Don’t get me wrong… I am OBSESSED with social media and the internet. I cannot keep off it, but when i feel like absolute crap i hate being behind the screen. I’m glad i took this break though because it has give me time to think about what i really want from my life.

I’ve started to question this boring routine i’m currently stuck in. I get up, go to university, come home and make dinner and then do housework. I’m 20, 20 years old! What sort of life is that? I want more out of life than being a bloody ‘house wife’ when i’m barely an adult!

So i decided to clear my head. I stripped my life down into little pieces – what is important and what is missing! It’s been an important step for me and i’m glad that i’ve started focusing on more important things.

I’ve also been feeling very lonely. I’m sick of being home by myself all the time. My other half works a ridiculous amount of hours and its killing me. To be quite honest i’m not sure whether i’m actually too happy at the moment, i’m taking each day as it comes… I just feel guilty all the time.

Sorry for the late night post, I’ll check back in properly tomorrow.

Anon

xxx

I can’t stop crying.

“Crying is weak, stop being pathetic Alice”. I don’t know how many times i heard those words. Is crying pathetic, i wouldn’t know as my antidepressants stop all tears from leaving my eyes. Maybe its a good thing… crying is ‘weak’ right?

Its a short post tonight due to the tears i am currently experiencing, but writing really does help. Getting all of those emotions out helps me to understand what i want and need to feel okay. It may sound weird to you, but we all deal in different ways i suppose.

Do you ever just sit starting into nothingness, hoping you’ll find a purpose? I do. I wonder if i was made to be this ‘stupid depressed woman’, is it my only purpose…

I don’t know where my life is going at the moment… one minute everything is great… but the next i want life to end. I hate saying it – i sound so selfish.

I feel as if life has got too much again. I usually spend most of my evenings unable to cry, but wanting to, and tonight they’re flooding out.